PoDunK
by Mako Red Eyes
Summary: Finished!..Ever wonder what made Cid turn to chainsmoking and alcohol? Just what made him crack.... Five years before the game, Cid Highwind works for ShinRa, but must ignore his job for a few days when he gets a letter from his Loopy Hillbilly Aunt Eva
1. Default Chapter

Ever wonder what made Cid turn to chainsmoking and alcohol? Just what made him crack.... Five years before the game, Cid Highwind works for ShinRa, but must ignore his job for a few days when he gets a letter from his Loopy Hillbilly Aunt Eva. Chaos ensuses as the Turks become involved...  
  
Disclaimer: Ok, I don't own Cid, Shera, the Turks or ShinRa, or any other part of FFVII. Both Gene and Aunt Eva are original Characters though... so they're mine, though kudos go to my mom (of all people laughs who thought this up for me.)  
  
POdUNk  
  
Chapter 1 Aint Eaver  
  
Cid Highwind heaved a sigh. At twenty-seven, he was incredibly young to be the world's finest pilot, but he was. He was very proud of where he stood with his skills, and his dream come true just an arms' reach away, it seemed, but it wasn't easy working for ShinRa on any basis…  
  
He huffed, wandering home. He'd flown all the way to Midgar and back, to have a chat with Heddiger about the Space Program. While he loved the thought of one day entering space -the rocket was already built, two years past its completion, a small town lovingly dubbed Rocket Town popping up around it- he hated Heddiger. He hated ShinRa, and if it weren't for the funding coming straight from the top, Cid would have nothing to do with any of it. Still…He heaved a content sigh, taking in the sweet smell of the fresh highland air. To the north rose the Nibel Mountains, the south, the ocean. And there, nestled against the sweet evergreen crested hills, rising before a beautiful grassy plane, was Rocket Town. This was Cid's heaven. He skipped a little, skin still tingling from the wind -he flew the Tiny Bronco, his pride and joy, his private plane, with the cockpit open. It had been a cold flight back, but it had been worth it to feel the wind in his face.   
  
He sauntered up to his own house, shared with his number one mechanic, Shera, and was about to open the front door, gloved hand on the doorknob, when he was stopped.  
  
"Oi! Highwind!" Cid turned to face a slightly older man rushing towards him, waving a small envelope in one hand. Cid sighed, but moved quickly to meet the man.  
  
"What is it?" Cid asked carefully, taking the envelope. The man smiled grimly.  
  
"Letter from yer aunt." Cid paled.  
  
"AW, CRAP!"  
  
"Yeah, I think so." His elder agreed. Cid glanced darkly at the offending letter. He sighed. "G'luck, kid." Cid muttered, wandering off back inside, opening the envelope as he walked.  
  
"Cid? Is that you?" Shera called.   
  
"Yeah, its me…" He said hoarsely. "Got another damned letter from my aunt." He called. Shera could be heard moving closer to the front room.  
  
"Oh no…" Cid sighed, and finally yanked out a dirt-smeared piece of yellowed paper, holding it gingerly between two fingers as if it might bite.  
  
'Dear Sydney.' Cid paused to roll his eyes. Damned old bird can't even get my name right…'Hope all is well for you and your business…' business? What the F# did mom tell her?!'I called your mother, and your uncle, and your cousins… but no one seems to be living in the same place anymore except for you.' Cid nearly screamed. No. No no no no! Do NOT ask me to go down there and give you a 'little hand'!Cid read on, sweating. 'Would ya please come down an' give me a little hand? Only a few days. I'll pay you good, ah promise!' Cid's eyes began to water.  
  
"…SHERRRRAAAAA!" He hollered, voice cracking. Shera poked her head around a corner worriedly.  
  
"Is it bad?" Cid's lip trembled.  
  
"She wants me to visit her." Shera dropped the plate of cookies she was carrying.  
  
"Oh good heavens! When?" Cid glanced back at the paper that was beginning to crumple under his grip.  
  
'See you in two oh three days!  
  
Love,  
  
Your Aunt Eva'  
  
"Two or three days…" Cid said numbly.  
  
"You can't! You have to work!" Shera complained. Cid sighed.  
  
"I can't ignore her, Sher. Mom'll kill me!"  
  
"Your mother still tells you what to do?" Shera said critically. Cid sighed.  
  
"Just with Aunt Eva."  
  
"So what are you going to do?" A devious gleam hit Cid's eyes.  
  
"I'm leavin'."  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Can I have dinner first?" Shera threw her hands up in dismay.  
  
"What will you tell ShinRa, Cid?!" Shera demanded while Cid ate as fast as he could. The sooner he got to Aunt Eva's, the sooner he got to come home.  
  
"The hell you mean, 'tell ShinRa'?! I ain't tell'in them crap!" Shera gave another cry of dismay.  
  
"Well, where does she live?" Cid's eye twitched.  
  
"Out by the swamps behind Kalm…" Shera wrinkled her nose.  
  
"Eew."  
  
"No shit."  
  
"Cid!"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Language!"  
  
"Aw, screw you, I'm in a bad mood!" Cid finished his meal, rubbing his neck irritably and wandered off to pack his things.  
  
The sun shone over Rocket Town, but rain clouds poured over Cid's head. He walked with less zeal than he usually did, patting the Tiny Bronco grimly as he climbed into the little plane and prepared for flight. The sun was barely up, but already it was bright and warm. Cid groaned. Out where Aunt Eva lived, it was balmy, hot and humid with all kinds of critters and insects that bit and festered. No one in their right mind would live where Aunt Eva did…  
  
The flight was uneventful, and Cid landed as close as he could, on relatively dry land. He'd seen the Midgar Zolom passing under his shadow, head rearing under the deeper swamplands, just waiting for him to pass low enough to snatch, and he spat down at the thing. Fortunately, it couldn't reach the drier land to the south, and he would be safe from /that/ monster, though others certainly took its place.  
  
Now he tromped through the waist high grasses and mud, going deeper back into shadowy forest, and Cid swore he could hear a banjo playing somewhere. He shivered. damned hick weirdoes…It was a long walk up to Aunt Eva's, a good two or three miles, and it was late afternoon by the time Cid reached the old, slightly leaning mansion. The paint, once a chipper shade of salmon pink, was peeling badly, revealing blackened, century-old wood underneath. He walked carefully up the porch, hoping he wouldn't fall through, and wincing as he trailed mud across it Finally reaching the door, Cid paused, bracing himself, before finally knocking, hoping he wouldn't topple the whole house. Nothing. Cid blinked, and knocked again, a little harder. Still nothing. Maybe she died and I won't have to stay…he thought hopefully. He knocked a third time, and this time, regrettably heard movement somewhere inside.   
  
"Hello?" He called. "Aunt Eva?"  
  
"Ah dun wan any!" Came the feisty voice of an eighty-something year old woman inside.  
  
"Aunt Eva! Its me, Cid! You wrote me a letter a few days ago…?" Suddenly the door swung open.  
  
"Eh? Here already?! How'd yeh get here so fast?" Cid shrugged.  
  
"I flew."  
  
"Smartass!" Aunt Eva accused. Cid sighed.  
  
"In a /plane/, Aunt Eva." I'm gunna flippin crack…He thought dryly.  
  
"Oooh! Weil how nice!" Aunt Eva's southern drawl was already grating on Cid's nerves. "Weil, come awn in now, kay, sweethaart!" The old woman ushered Cid in.  
  
The first thing Cid noticed was a rather large, roundish man, neeling in front of an old telivision set, his pants sliding dangerously low, revealing two very full moons. Cid blinked. That s#& not wearin' any underwear?!He felt sweat beading on his forehead at the unnerving thought.  
  
"Gene! Pull yo drawr's up or put on some underwear!" Aunt Eva exclaimed. Gene looked up.  
  
"Sawry, 'Eaver." Aunt Eva was often known as 'Aint Eaver'. That is, her name with a southern hillbilly drawl like the world had never seen before. Aunt 'Eaver' wrinkled her nose.  
  
"Naw ya ain't! Shape up, boy!" Cid smiled weakly at the man. The man smiled back.  
  
"Heya, cutie." He said in a voice that made Aunt Eva sound manly. The beads of sweat on Cid's forehead were multiplying like rabbits. Oh no…He hurried after Aunt Eva into the next room.  
  
"Hopefully, Gene will have th' telervision fixed bah dis eveni'n…" In the next room, there was a sort of short buzzing sound and then the scratchy noise of a news broadcast.   
  
"Gawt it, Eaver!" Gene called in his would-be-queen voice, making Cid shiver, and sit with his knees together as he sat down at Aunt Eva's dusty old kitchen table. Sweet Planet, let some horrible meteor or comet or something come crashing to the ground and flatten me and this entire #$(#ing swamp…  
  
BACK IN LOVELY ROCKET TOWN….  
  
"Damnit! Where th' hell is he!?" Shera glared balefully at the redhead.  
  
"He went to visit his aunt." She said flatly. Reno blinked.  
  
"That dumbshit of a pilot ditched a vital meeting to go visit some old aunt?!" Shera grinned at the Turk.  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Well, we need him here. Where does she live?" Behind him, Rude wandered about Shera's house, examining the framed pictures on the wall quietly, expression unreadable with his eyes hidden behind his ever present sunglasses. Shera, still talking to Reno, shrugged.  
  
"Dunno. Out in the boonies somewhere."   
  
"How can't you know!!? You're lying--!" Rude sighed, stepping in.  
  
"I think she's telling' the truth." He said quietly. Shera shrugged.  
  
"She lives in a swamp, if its any help…" Shera went on. "But why on earth does ShinRa need to send the Turks after a single pilot?!" Reno sighed.  
  
"Because they hate us, and we're the newbies." Shera snickered.  
  
"Come on, Reno." Rude said, turning quietly and wandering back out the door casually, in no hurry whatsoever.  
  
"What?!" Reno complained. "But we haven't gotten anywhere yet!"  
  
"I have an idea."  
  
"Oh, lovely… He's got an idea…" Reno distinctly heard Shera laughing as the door slammed shut behind him.  
  
POdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdUNkPOdU  
  
AN: Hehe... :) Okay, I didn't want to say this at the beginning of the fic, but both Gene, and Aunt Eva are real people. They are the aunt and cousin of a family friend. Gene is really gay(and no, he doesn't wear underwear, and yes, it is visibly evident) , Aunt Eva is just as crazy, and events coming in the near future of this fic are things that actually happened to our friend Jim and his Wife. of course, the events will be rearranged to fit the events of the fic- there will be a variety of people experiencing Aunt Eva, instead of just Jimbo in real life.  
  
I'd like to thank Jim for his wonderful storytelling over dinner, as he painted a beautiful image of just who these people are, by use of speech and physical discription (ie like Eva's teeth). Also thanks to my mum who actually gave me the idea to "Have Aint Eaver be Cid's aunt" Only my mother would be so sadistic as to feed me such wonderful ideas, and only I would be so sick as to get where she was going with it, and be able to expand on such an idea. Thanks, mom. :) My apologies to Eva and Gene, who will hopefully never know this exists. . 


	2. 2

Chapter 2 Mud Puppies  
  
Reno muttered as he tromped through more swamplands. He and Rude had already run into the Midgar Zolom, out for a stroll, it seemed, and it had been a near escape. They'd come out covered in mud and swamp grass, and were thoroughly lost. Reno's blue suit was looking more disheveled than usual, and he was muttering darkly, scratching at a very large and swollen red bug bite that he'd received at some point. It wasn't the only one: It looked like he had the bloody chocobopox with all the little red and swollen dots festering all over his arms and face.  
  
"Don't scratch." Rude murmured. Reno snorted bitterly.   
  
"Don't scratch!" He snarled, mimicking Rude's words in a nasal voice. "They'll only get worse. Well #($ that!" He swatted at a mosquito the size of his pinky finger angrily, not even noticing its unnatural size. He glanced back at Rude, aghast. "How the hell haven't you gotten any bites?!" Rude turned to give him his bland stare through his shades. He shrugged. Reno considered giving the man a shock with his night stick, but didn't do it. He would have, but he didn't. That's because he fell into deeper swamp with a splash. He'd wondered why Rude had stopped suddenly and pointed, but had been too busy glaring back at Rude, fingering the trigger to his shock rod. He sat up in the knee deep muck, glowering. "Thanks for the warning, you asshole." He muttered. Rude flashed him a quick, toothy smile, then it vanished. Reno squirmed in the water a little, eyes narrowing. "Sumfin feels weird…" He mutters, glancing down. He squirms a little more, standing and moving back out of the water to drip beside Rude. He wiggles a little, and goes pale. He unbuttons his pants right there -Rude's eyes go wide behind his sunglasses, and he glances away- and glances straight down. Reno's eyes go wide. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" His scream echoes through the woods, snapping Rude's head back around.  
  
"What?"  
  
"There's &#$ing leaches suckin' on my &#$ di--" Rude clamps a hand over Reno's mouth.   
  
"Shut up, man." He said softly. "Someone'll hear you." Reno's eyes watered as he stared down at the dozens of black slug like creatures clinging to his legs and hips…among other places, still holding his pants undone and away from his hips for a clear view. Rude leaned foreword to look as well. Reno looked up, blushing.  
  
"The #$& you doin' man?!" He screamed again, and Rude backpedaled.  
  
"Lookin." He said simply. Reno was beginning to look like he might feint.   
  
Now, Rude had two choices to help Reno out. Make that three. One, he could just let Reno deal with it himself. Two, he could make Reno drop his pants and help him pick the leaches off. Or three, he could egg Reno on until the man passed out, and then just take care of it himself on his own free time.  
  
"What? That doesn't get you off?" He said simply, and Reno's eyes went wide.  
  
"Of course not, you sick #&!" Rude smiled, glancing down again. "You got one clingin' to your balls…" He added. Reno squeaked, and his eyes rolled back in his head, the color draining from his face like a plug had been pulled. In the next heartbeat, he went limp, collapsing with a thud to the muddy ground below. Rude sighed wearily, yanking Reno's pants off, grimacing as he had to yank one slimy black leach off after another.  
  
Cid sighed, looking at the steaming plate of over cooked vegetables and crispy critter strips on his plate. What he wouldn't give for some good greasy pizza… Sitting across the table, Aunt Eva grinned toothlessly at him.  
  
To say Aunt Eva could grin toothlessly isn't quite accurate, however. She did have a few teeth. Three or four on top, though her smile was mostly gaps, and a good six or seven left on the bottom. There was also a rather large growth in one corner of her mouth that protruded a sickly purple around one of her remaining teeth. Cid wondered if it was the only thing holding that tooth in. Beside him, Gene seemed to be taking up more space than even his large person needed, his knee bumping lightly against Cid's. It had turned out that Gene was one of Cid's distant cousins, but that hadn't stopped the gay man from hitting on Cid. Cid ate in silence, wishing for nothing more than a good stiff drink, and maybe a cigarette.  
  
"Say, Sydney," Aunt Eva began, smacking her lips loudly as she ate around a mouthful of mushy veggies. She still hadn't gotten the vital point that Cid's name was in fact Cid, and Cid alone, and had nothing to do with 'Sydney'. Cid groaned softly. "Why dun you an Gene go dawn to th' gener'al store tamorrw an pick up some fraish goods!" She drawled. Cid's heart sank. No no! Don't leave me alone with him!He swore he'd be raped. He ate dinner in a hurry, trying not to taste it, and went off to his guest room, where he locked himself in his room, wondering if he could sneak off in the night and disappear into the sunrise on the Tiny Bronco.  
  
Reno woke up blearily, muttering obscenities under his breath as he sat up slowly out of the mud where Rude had left him. His eyes widened as he remembered his previous plight. He sat up abruptly, nearly smashing his face into Rude's knee, as the taller man was standing over him quietly, staring into space.  
  
"You're awake." Rude said simply. Reno was panicking, and yanked his pants out again to glance down.  
  
"They're gone…" He murmured in awe. He glanced up suspiciously at Rude. "You didn't--" Rude frowned.  
  
"Rather unpleasant job." He said by way of answer. Reno blushed, his face matching his hair.  
  
"But they were all over my co--"Rude slapped his hands together, pulverizing a rather large mosquito, cutting Reno off.  
  
"You wouldn't have managed. Someone had to get rid of them." He said quietly. He was inwardly very grateful for his shades just now. Reno stood wearily, making a disgusted face as he tried to wipe some of the caked mud off his backside. It only smeared into a horrid mess, clinging to everything as if it had a mind of its own.   
  
"#$& you." He said by means of saving his pride. Rude raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Rather not, thanks." Reno sighed.   
  
"You're one sick #$% you know that?" Rude flashed him a smile that vanished again as soon as it had appeared. Reno blinked. "Whatever. Lets get moving…its going to be dark soon…" He tromped off into the wilderness, smacking at insects with one hand and scratching all the large, red swollen bites with the other. Rude followed in silence, completely unbothered by nature. Not human, I swear…Reno reflected, glancing back at his partner, then down at his once blue, now brown suit. Screw this shit…  
  
Rude began to whistle softly to himself, glancing around interestedly at the swamplands and mossy trees, occasionally batting at an insect or two, but still completely composed. Not even his polished shoes were muddy, by some miracle. Reno, wet, muddy, and more disheveled and sore than usual, felt his mood grow fouler and fouler.  
  
PoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunKPoDunk  
  
AN: hehee... pooooor reno... :) snickers I haven't written for or even THOUGHT about the turks before this fic, so please excuse me if they're slightly OC. . I think I'm doing ok, though... Next chapter, Cid tries to buy some beer, and Rude and Reno reach Aunt Eva's... heh heh heh..   
  
MRE 


	3. 3

Chapter 3 Do for a Brew  
  
Cid sulked silently as he rode in the front passenger seat of Aunt Eva's run down old station wagon. He'd made a desperate pull to race after Gene that morning, because Cid's aunt had cornered him to give him yet another pointless lecture. This time, it was in response to Gene's driving.  
"Naw dun drive too fast, Gene!" She demanded in her slow drawl, shaking a crooked finger at the portly fellow.  
"I dun drive too fast, Eaver." He said sternly.  
"Ya do too!" "I drive the speed limit! No faster nor slower!" With that, Gene had stormed out. Cid had hurried to follow the man, as little as he actually wanted to be around the man, he wanted to be with 'Eaver' less.  
"I dun believe that boy!" Aunt Eva huffed. "That boy's got'ta learn some 'spect!" She declared. "Ah pay that boy /twelve/ gil a day!" Cid winced. Twelve gil couldn't buy you a pack of gum these days. Not that Gene needed another twelve gil a day. He did fine on his own. "An all ah ask of th' boy is to give me some respect! …And ta wear underwear!" She added snapping her fingers. She was really getting worked up. "Yeh kin see right down his a--" There was a loud, impatient honking from outside, drowning out the rest of Eva's sentence. Cid's face lit up and with a wave, he scooted out the door to an impatient Gene, waiting already with the car running.  
"Bye Aunt Eva!" Cid called over his shoulder as he dashed out the door. He wasn't going to give her a chance to drag him back into one of her speeches.  
Cid's heart fell a little as he laid eyes on Aunt Eva's car, however… The thing must have been older than he was, soaked in mud, its original color so faded it was hard to guess what it had been. It was a low station wagon of sorts, long and heavy and severely worse for wear. The inside was no better, seat covers just as faded and muddy. Gene began to pull out of the muddy drive, only to have Eva come running out faster than any woman half her age should have been moving.  
"Dun ferget ta check th' breaks! Ah think th' breaks aren't working'!" "The breaks work fine, Eaver!" With that, he peeled out angrily, leaving the woman in the dust.  
  
Cid had thought he was safe, until Gene turned on the radio. Now, Cid was relatively tolerant of other people's music, but there were two types that particularly irked him: rap, and country. As it turns out, Gene was not only gay, but a gay hick, with a penchant for singing along to every cowboy song under the sun. Cid groaned, sinking into his seat a little as they drove on. It was a good hour's drive or more to the nearest store, eyes fixed on the never ending road, long, and straight, though a bit wavy vertically.  
"She thanks mah chocober is seeeeeexxxxxxxaaaaaaahh!" Gene sung, loud, and terribly out of tune. Cid groaned a little more, his stomach sinking as they dropped over yet another mini hill in the road. He didn't know what was worse, the car ride with 'Cuzin Gene' or the prospect of returning in a couple of hours back to 'Aint Eaver's'. Cid felt ready to cry by the time they finally reached the little run down shack of a store, standing, with a slight lean, out in the dead middle of nowhere. Its signs were grayed and its screen door hung kind of crookedly. Cid's heart lightened, though, as he wandered into the musky old building after Gene, when he spotted the sign that read proudly 'We Have Beer!'. Cid was practically skipping inside.  
Cid scoured the place. There indeed was a lot of beer. Cases of it stacked against one wall, chest high, but try as he might, he couldn't find a single cold brew to save his life. Finally giving up his search, he did the one thing no man ever wanted to do: He shoved his pride down the crapper, and went and asked for directions.  
Walking stiffly up to the man behind the counter, Cid did his best to look dignified.  
"Hey, uh, where do you keep your cold beer?" He asked, trying to sound cool.  
"We dun sell cold beer. Onlys warm'n." Said the man, maybe half again his age older, but looking worse for wear. He looked a bit dim.  
"You don't sell cold beer?" Cid pressed.  
"We /only/ sell cold beer." Replied the man in his slow, dim drawl. Cid blinked.  
"Excuse me?" "Yep. Wes only sell warm beer. Ahs could shaw'er it to yeah if yer want." He added. Cid glanced over his shoulder at the tower of twelve-packs directly behind him.  
"No. That's fine." The dusty parking lot outside was beginning to look more and more like a barren wasteland to Cid. The man went quietly thoughtful for a moment.  
"Yep…we's only sell warm beer… but we do sells ice!" Cid groaned, dropping his head painfully hard against the countertop.  
"Hey Sidney!" Cid lifted his head slowly, and turned very slowly to face Gene.  
"OH! Yer name's 'Sidney!? Mah dog's name's Sidney!" The man behind the counter said, perking up. He looked excited that he'd remembered his dog's name, but he still spoke very slowly. Cid's eye twitched.  
"Go grab sum ice from that dere freezer!" Gene instructed, pointing to the sputtering ice freezer in the back of the store. "Ah gotta get me a brewskie!" Cid obeyed, shuffling his feet irritably, glancing out the dusty window as he walked towards the back of the murky store. "Hey Gene?" Cid called, then choked a little. He was picking up a slight drawl in his voice. He hoped he'd go mute for it.  
"Yeah, Sidney?" "Get me a case or two too, will ya?"  
  
Reno tripped for the umpteenth time, falling face first into the mud. Again. It had grown dark, but there was one glowing glimmer of hope as he sat up, spitting out swamp sludge and a few bugs. Not too far away, he could spot the shape of a decrepit old house, its windows glowing a sickly, but warm yellow in the dusk. He smiled, showing a little bit of mud in his teeth.  
"I think we finally found the place…" He said in awe.  
"Yeah, I spotted it a half hour ago." Rude said casually. Reno made a sour face.  
"Screw you, Rude." "No thank you." Reno groaned.  
"Well, c'mon!" And off he tromped, taking a straight line towards the house, only to trip over a gnarled root a few yards off. There was a soft squishy thump as he again hit mud. Rude sighed as he stepped over his companion.  
  
Hehe. The beer story is true, too :) And the mention of Gene driving too fast and the car breaks...and his butt hanging out...lol. The rest is fictional :) (the boring stuff, ya know, lol) I would also like to mention that I mean no offense to anyone who A: enjoy's country, B: has a southern accent of some sort, or C: is gay or a lesbian. I hold no grudges against any of these types of people, and any slurs or anything even /close/ was for the sake of writing and not my own personal opinion, nor was it meant to insult anyone. :) That being said, hope I didn't piss anyone off, but damn, this has been fun to write. (sorry its been slow. I wrote nearly this entire chapter when the program shut itself down. same thing happened with New Life, which is why THAT hasn't been updated... sigh but they're coming! they really are... :)  
  
MRE 


	4. 4

Chapter 4 How're yer eyes?  
  
Eventually, Reno and Rude managed to reach the relative safety of Aunt Eva's front drive. Drawing up their stances, the two Turks strode up to the front door and knocked.  
  
Cid sighed, sinking into his seat again, as Gene drove them home. He'd drank a couple of beers, even disgustingly warm as they were, but felt no better. It was getting dark outside, and they had a long ways to go still. The back of the grubby old car sank on its axel with the load of groceries (mostly several cases of beer). Cid leaned out the window, lighting one of the cigarettes he'd bought. He hadn't smoked before, but suddenly, a nice rush of the promised nicotine high seemed incredibly welcoming. He finally snuffed the cigarette out and pulled his head back inside the car when the sun had set, and bugs started colliding messily with his face. "How long?" He asked. Gene perked up.  
"Eh?" "How long till we get the hell home?" Cid repeated. Gene shrugged.  
"Bout forty-five minutes… why?" Cid sighed.  
"Just wonderin'…" Gotta get the fuck out of here…  
  
"The hell you knockin' for, Rude?!" Reno snapped as Rude withdrew his fist from the rickety old door. Rude turned and gave Reno a blank look, and then turned away just as slowly, to watch the door.  
"Ah dun wan none, gawd damnit!" Came an spunky, but elderly voice. Moments later, the door creaked open, and an old woman poked out. "You sellin' vacuums?!" She croaked, looking from Reno to Rude and back.  
"No, mam. We're looking for a man named Cid Highwind. Do you know him?" Rude said, voice crisp and professional.  
"Sydney?! Why yes! Sydney's my nephew! Ooh! Are you boys friends 'a Sydney? Come in! Please, come in!" She beamed, gesturing the two gaping Turks in. "Here! I'll bring us out some cookies…!" Reno and Rude exchanged startled glances, and shrugging, followed the old crow inside.  
Twenty minutes later, they were seated at a rickety old table, nibbling stale cookies and over-brewed tea, wondering when the hell this crazy old woman would tell them just where Cid Highwind had gone off to. Rude squirmed uncharacteristically, looking forlornly down at his empty teacup. Reno caught his eye when Eva wasn't looking, and raised an eyebrow.  
"The heck's up with you, man." Rude simply squirmed a moment in response. Finally, he gave up his loosing battle, and stood abruptly.  
"Um, mam?" Rude said, voice tight. Eva looked up pleasantly, squinty eyes widening enough to show her whites.  
"Yes, honey, what is it?" She said sweetly. Rude squirmed a little more.  
"Uuh…Do you have a restroom I could use?" He finished. Eva's face lit up.  
"Why, yes dear! Right down the hall and around the corner to the left." Rude hurried down the hall, leaving Reno to sit alone, across the table from a now smiling Eva. Reno squirmed. He didn't have to pee, but she was looking at him, gumming her lip in a way he didn't like. The silence stretched on, when suddenly Eva looked up.  
"How're yer eyes, son?" She asked casually, standing. Reno blinked, then grinned.  
"Sharper than a hawks', when I'm sober!" He declared proudly. He took pride in that. Nobody would know it, but Rude was horribly farsighted, and spent hours with his office door locked so that no one would see him reading his little oval reading glasses. It was a sight to be seen, indeed. Eva's face lit up again. "Oh wonderful!" She said, walking up to stand over where Reno sat. "Would ya do me a favor then?" She began. Then, without any warning, without giving Reno any chance to respond, she turned around, dropped her drawers, and bent over, displaying her white, wrinkly old lady butt to a horrified Reno. "Do I have a tick on my butt??" Reno reeled, nearly falling over backwards out of his chair in his panicked move to get his face further away from her very close rump.  
"Uh, uh.. Um, No! I dun see anything!" He said, looking away quickly. Truth be told, he hadn't taken a close enough look to be certain, and with good reason, but he hadn't spotted anything in that moment of horror before he had the wits to clamp his eyes shut and look away. "Oh, okay." Aunt Eva said, straightening up and pulling up her pants. "Thank you!" Reno sank into his seat as Eva wandered off further into the kitchen absently. It was at that moment that Rude returned from the restroom, looking much more composed. He took one look at Reno and the gray look to the redhead's face, and raised an eyebrow over his sunglasses.  
"What happened to you, man?" He asked. Reno's eye twitched.  
"Dear god… Shit, screw Highwind, lets get the hell out of here!" Reno replied, providing no explanation whatsoever. Rude opened his mouth to deny Reno's request, when the front door flew open, and Cid and Gene burst in, oblivious to the trouble waiting in the kitchen.  
Aunt Eva smiled. "Ooh! Good! The boys are home, finally! SYDNEY! HURRYAH IN NOW, YOU'VE GOT GUESTS!" She called, grinning over at Reno and Rude.  
  
AN: The tick on the butt question, and the actions revolving around it, are true. :)  
  
Hehe.... This was fun. Sorry I've been so damned slow w/ updates... but hey, I'm doin' it...  
MRE. 


	5. 5

Chapter 5 The Great Escape

Cid came skidding to a halt as he strode into the kitchen, blue eyes wide in alarm.  
"SHIT!"  
"FREEZE, HIGHWIND!" Reno shouted, even as Rude rose, pointing a gun right at Cid's chest. Aunt Eva let out a cry, retreating to the counter. Gene crashed into Cid from behind, letting out a strangled squeak. The fat man squealed, and turned running the other way. "The $ was that?!" Reno demanded. Cid sighed.  
"My stupid cousin."  
"SYDNEY!" Eva shouted from near the fridge.  
"Aw, shaddup, damnit!" Cid shouted back. He was on the verge of cracking. He turned back to Reno. "The hell you want with me, anyhow?"  
"You didn't show up for work." Rude filled in. Cid groaned, risking the movement to slap his forehead.  
"ShinRa sent /two/ Turks after me for missing a coupl'a (#$ing days of work?!" Cid cried. Reno and Rude exchanged glances. Rude's eyebrow could be seen ticking up above his sunglasses for a moment. He straightened his suit self consciously.  
"Well…" The Turk began softly. Cid dropped into a nearby chair, not really caring, all of the sudden, if he got shot or not. He heaved a sigh.  
"Anyone have a smoke?" He asked sadly.  
"SYDNEY!" Cid turned on his aunt.  
"My. Name. Is. Cid." He said slowly. "C-I-D. /Not/ 'Sydney' with an 'S'." He said darkly. His eye had begun to twitch. "And I'll smoke, drink, cuss, or do whatever I damned well want!"  
"Sydney!" Eva went on, outraged. "Ahm a callin' yer motha over' this!" Cid rubbed his eyes, turning back to Reno and Rude.  
"Please…" He begged haggardly. "Just arrest me. I promise I'll make you look /REALLY/ good if you let me go and get the 'Bronco before we leave." Reno, who'd just had more than his share of Aunt Eva himself, felt his heart go out to the man. He hefted his shock rod, fidgeting with the settings. He let Rude look over his shoulder as he turned it down to the lowest possible setting. He looked back up at Cid, giving him a cold smile.  
"Mr. Highwind, you're under arrest." He moved foreword, whacking Cid across the arm with the stun rod. Cid began to yelp -it tingled uselessly, making his heart flutter a little, but Reno caught his eyes, and with a dramatic cry, Cid let out a sharp scream, and 'passed out'. Eva screamed as Reno and Rude hoisted Cid up by the arms and dragged him out of the kitchen. She couldn't see it, because he was hanging loosely by the Turk's grip, but Cid had the happiest smile on his face. The trio passed Gene on the way out. "Pull yer goddamn pants up!" Reno snapped at the rotund man. Gene went pale, and with a squeak, yanked his pants up until they were practically up to his ears. They went on, dragging Cid out past the driveway towards where the Tiny Bronco rested, per Cid's directions. They got into the woods a ways, and Cid straightened up, letting the others rest. "Here, man." Reno said, pulling out a cigarette both for himself and Cid. He offered Rude one, but the stoic man simply shook his head in rejection. "Fine by me. Here." He lit Cid up, and then himself, then watched as Cid took a long, choking draw off the cancer stick, letting his eyes slide shut with the nicotine rush.  
"When we get home, drinks on me." Cid said with relish. Reno grinned.  
"Hot damn! I know the best joint in Mid--" Reno was cut off by a very loud, echoing bang, followed quickly by something small whizzing past his ear. "SHIT!" Reno ducked into the bushes with Rude and Cid, drawing his gun again, peering through the brush.  
Aunt Eva stood on her front porch, brandishing a huge, antiqued, double barrel hunting rifle angrily.  
"You bring mah Sydney back, ya hear?!" She screeched. "Get yer yeller butts out o' th' tree's n' face me likes /real/ men!" The two Turks and Cid exchanged startled glances from their hiding place under a large bush. The Turks looked to Cid as if they expected him to have a plan. Cid lifted a finger to his lips.  
"Ssh.. Now come on!" He stayed crouching, inching from one bush to the next cautiously, taking a wide arc away from Eva's house. The Turks followed, and soon they were long out of sight of the house, and running towards the Tiny Bronco, now in view. Cid ran up to the plane, kissing her hull reverently. "Oh baby, I've missed you…" He muttered lovingly. Watching nearby, Rude raised an eyebrow.  
"Oh man… This guy's…" Reno began.  
"Don't go there, man." Rude said. Cid was still busy worshipping his plane. Getting bored, Reno finally raised his voice.  
"Hey man, can we have a ride back to Midgar?"

AN  
Hehe. Sido's made some friends... Ok, one more chappie and this is over.


	6. Epilogue

Chapter 6 Return to Sanity

Cid lit another cigarette, lounging back happily. It had been a week since his rescue, as it were, from his Aunt Eva's. Since then, he'd gone through six packs of cigarettes, the addiction hitting him like a brick in between the eyes. He didn't care though, he liked the hardened image the smokes gave him. Furthermore, Shera hated them, and she was always fun to tick off.  
Presently, he sat in a smoky bar -so the cigarette didn't matter one bit- with Reno and Rude, all on their fourth or fifth round of booze, and were already quite wasted.  
They'd been there twenty minutes.  
Cid couldn't remember when he had been happier, really.  
Of course, he couldn't remember much of anything after two tequila sunrises, a Bloody Mary in place of dinner, one Gin and Tonic, and a shot of straight Vodka and Brandy. He'd regret all of those, plus several more brandy shots, and a few good old cold beers in the morning, when he became far more acquainted with the toilet.  
But for now, he was feeling pretty damned good. Especially since he'd just heard Reno's slightly slurred account of what had happened to him with Aunt Eva just before Cid and Gene had arrived. Rude raised an eyebrow at the redhead. The stoic Turk still wore his sunglasses, even though it was nearly completely dark in the hazy bar.  
"So that's why you were so pale… and speechless. Never heard you speechless before." He commented. He didn't seem very drunk, obviously holding his liquor very well. Reno glared at him lopsidedly.  
"Shaddup." He growled. Cid laughed, and ordered another round of drinks merrily. He also ordered a round for the patrons further down along the bar from them. Reno was paying, after all. He'd bargained out of the paying for drinks by trading the deal with giving the stranded Turks a ride home. At the time, desperate, sore, muddy, and permanently traumatized, they had no choice but to agree.  
"So… I guess if I ever need a vacation, I just have to go back to Eva's…." He commented. Both Turks turned on him, eyes wide with horror.  
"Please, no! ShinRa will send us after you again!" Reno cried. Cid laughed.  
"Aaw, just messin' with ya." Reno chose that moment to pass out.

END.

Hehe. That was fun.  
CID: (#$(!!!! Fun my &#$ ass!  
Reno: Really. That was #&$ing sick, lady.  
MRE: (just grins) Yeah, and your point?  
CId: F&! you!  
MRE: Not right now, Cid. I'm too busy writing other nasty little fics about you. (Winks)  
CID: shit!!!!! (Looks sick)  
MRE: Aww, just messin' with ya! (grins)  
Cid; (weakly) you're evil....

Yes, I am! But isn't it just LOVELY?!  
Watch for more fics, people! I'm always writing! =D 


End file.
